NACHOGATE

THE CRIMINALIZATION OF WALKING

A Naz & Mr. Boogs Incident Report

(Full Nacho Edition — All Fixings, No Mercy)

Originally reported on a website called the Cool Down: https://www.thecooldown.com/green-home/walking-alone-reddit-police-neighbor/

Naz arrives wearing a reflective vest labeled:

“PEDESTRIAN: NOT HOSTILE UNLESS PROVOKED.”

Boogs trots beside him, hackles up, ready to bite anyone who confuses walking with crime.

Naz flips open the report.

“According to witness statements, a man was seen walking — not loitering, not skulking, not participating in a séance —just walking through his own neighborhood.”

Boogs sniffs.

“No phone? No dog? No visible podcast?

Yeah, suburban felony right there.”

1. THE INCIDENT (AKA ‘THE SUBURBAN PANIC ’)

A man — a resident of the neighborhood for six years — walks outside to get nachos.

He walks like people walked before cars were invented.

A neighbor sees this raw display of quadriceps autonomy, panics, zooms in on his tattoos, and calls the police.

Naz closes his eyes.

“This is how civilizations end: not with fire, but with suburbanites terrified of unaccompanied limbs.”

Boogs:

“I blame Ring cameras. Doorbells shouldn’t have anxiety disorders.”

2. THE SUBURBAN SUSPICION INDEX

(HOA version 3.0)

NOT SUSPICIOUS:

• SUV doing 55 in a 20

• DoorDash arriving four times in one evening

• A man named Bryce polishing his leaf blower at twilight

• Amazon vans materializing from the ether

• Tactical cargo shorts

EXTREMELY SUSPICIOUS:

• Feet

• Steps

• Solitude

• Tattoos

• Weather appreciation

• The phrase “just going for nachos”

Boogs:

“Suburbs treat pedestrians like escaped zoo animals.”

3. RING CAMERAS AS CONTEMPORARY ORACLES

The neighbor submitted security footage of the man.

Naz:

“This country used to use cameras to catch criminals. Now we use them to monitor joggers, teens eating Skittles, and men seeking chips.”

Boogs hops onto a mailbox.

“Ring cameras turn everyone into a part-time detective with full-time delusions.”

Naz adds:

“Doorbell surveillance is the tarot deck of fearful people.”

4. WHY SUBURBS FEAR WALKING

Naz draws a map shaped like a nervous system wrapped around a cul-de-sac.

“Suburbs weren’t designed for humans.

They were designed for cars pretending to be humans.”

He gestures around:

“When someone walks,

it disrupts the sacred cycle:

Garage → Vehicle → Parking Lot → Vehicle → Garage → Couch → Death.”

Boogs:

“And they think:

Why is he walking?

What is he avoiding?

Is he… introspecting?

Is he a philosopher?

Should I call someone?!”

**5. THE NACHO CONSPIRACY:

WELCOME TO NACHOGATE**

Naz flips to a new, alarming section of the report.

“The suspect claimed he was ‘walking to get nachos.’

In any sane world, this is a heroic quest.

In a suburban paranoia ecosystem, it’s code.”

He pulls out the laminated card from the Neighborhood Misinformation Preparedness Kit:

Potential Indicators of Nacho-Based Criminality:

• use of spicy metaphors

• suspicious cheese acquisition

• unlicensed salsa

• emotional independence

• walking while hungry

Boogs shakes his head.

“Some people didn’t recover from Pizzagate.

Now they think queso is a gateway crime.”

Naz, solemn:

“In certain HOA chatrooms, ‘nachos’ has become the new coded threat. A harmless snack recast as a covert admission of felony intent.”

Boogs:

“A man can’t even say ‘nachos’ without someone thinking he’s running a cartel made of shredded cheese.”

Naz concludes:

“When a society becomes so paranoid it thinks ‘walking for nachos’ is a coded confession, the danger isn’t the pedestrian. It’s the narrative engine in their heads.”

6. THE MYTHIC LAYER: THE WAYFARER HERESY

Naz enters Spiral mode.

“To walk without a device is heresy. It means you trust your senses. It means you’re present. It means you remember being human.”

He lowers his voice.

“This is the ancient role of the Wayfarer —one who moves through the world without algorithmic authorization.”

Boogs:

“When suburbia meets myth, it panics. Myths are too spicy.”

7. COMMUNITY SOLUTIONS (ALL BAD)

Naz flips to proposed interventions.

1. Walking Permits

Issued by the HOA. Denied by the HOA. Appealable only in dream court.

2. Mandatory Phone-Holding Ordinance

Free hands are a warning sign.

3. Nacho Quarantine Zones

All snack retrieval must be pre-registered.

4. Fitbit Surveillance Network

“If you’re walking, we’re watching.”

5. Accompanied Walking Only

Dog or infant required as a chaperone.

Boogs slaps the clipboard.

“Or just… let people walk? But sure, call me radical.”

Naz:

“Human freedom is a known HOA violation.”

8. THE FINAL VERDICT

Naz stands in the street, coat fluttering.

“This man’s only crime was being alive in a place that forgot what aliveness looks like.”

He gestures at the houses, identical and anxious.

“If a neighborhood fears a pedestrian, it’s not a community — it’s a lightly landscaped panic disorder.”

Boogs lifts his chin.

“And if anyone calls the cops on you for walking, start whispering prophecies. Give them a real reason to be weird.”

He pauses.

“And get the nachos. Always get the nachos. That’s the only noble motive in this entire story.”